Dear Body

Look at my rolls, not one, but two.  Look at the way my fat spills over onto my chunky thighs. Look at how my fingers take up more space than maybe they should. Not a second goes by when I move through the world that I am not thinking about how my body is showing up. My body that holds more weight around the middle than society says it should. My body that I have shamed for years. I look in the mirror constantly, not because I am conceited, but because I am always hoping maybe something has changed. Maybe I'll wake up one day 50 pounds lighter. Maybe my brain will stop convincing me that people don't want to sit next to me on a bus because I am too big. Maybe I'll learn how to laugh without showing a double chin. I tell my body it is not good enough more often than I inhale oxygen. I whisper to the place where my thighs meet when I walk that it needs to be quiet. I grip the excess skin on my arms and tell them they need to leave me alone. I look at pictures of womxn smaller and more beautiful than me and ask my body why she doesn't look like them.  

But Dear body,

I know all you have been asking for is for me to feel at home in the space you provided me. I know you are working so hard. I know you have stuck with me through pain, through trauma, through loss.  I know you have carried me through some of the worst times in my life and ensured I made it out stronger and smarter. 

Dear body,

Thank you for loving me enough to stay with me despite my abuse. Thank you for healing every time I used to cut you. Thank you for understanding when I tell you I hate you. Thank you for knowing that I am trying my best. Thank you for giving me hips and a butt and breasts and squishy parts that keep me warm. Thank you for getting me this far. 

Dear body,

You are my best friend. You have been with me through it all. 

Dear body, 

I know this will take time, but I am ready to love you. 

Dear body, 

You are the reason for all that I have been able to accomplish. 

Dear body,

I'm finally ready to come home.