The Truth About Homesickness
The truth about moving 2,000 miles away from home at 21 years old is that.... it fucking sucks. I wanted to come here to this new town, new state, and new side of the country and feel “free” but instead I feel scared and lonely and sad all the time. What does it even mean to feel free? Is it not knowing what to do when you get sick because your mami always made you té con leche and let you sleep? Is it crying in bed at 2 am because you finally realize no one can replace your best friends? Or maybe is it somehow missing the sound of your papi’s loud and obnoxious snoring? That’s what it’s been feeling like to me. I left my house, my family, my friends, my comfort zone, my city, exactly 47 days ago but it feels like I’ve been here for months. I always thought my “big move” would feel empowering, like I’m finally chasing the dreams that have been waiting for me my whole life. I thought it would feel like a rebirth of sorts, where I would find myself... or something. Whatever that means! The reality is that my life isn’t a Netflix coming of age comedy. My life is my identities, my support system, and my need to always seem okay to the outside world. It’s not easy to tell people that maybe I’m not thriving as much as my carefully crafted social media posts show. It’s not easy to admit to myself that I’m not going to climb this mountain that is homesickness and graduate school and adulting without falling and bruising (or breaking) my body a few times. It’s definitely not easy to move from a city that is only 40% white to one that is nearly 80% white when you’re a queer undocumented Latina. And right about now I’m really wondering who the hell let me think that this would be even a little bit easy? Sometimes I get caught up in the “inspiration porn” that is spread across the internet about folx who hold identities like some of mine. So sometimes I forget that I’m not a superhero who can conquer it all. I need to remember that it’s okay to have flaws, it’s okay to fall down, it’s okay to need time off. But I also need to remember that I can do this just like I have done every other challenging thing in my life. So maybe when you move away from home for the first time it shouldn’t be 2,000 miles and a 28 hour drive away, but I’m still here and I will continue to hold on and stay strong because I deserve this life and opportunity. And yes, I’m counting down the days until Winter Break when I can hold my mom, dad, cat, and brother in my arms and remind myself who I’m doing it all for.